Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So much rum. So many feels.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
