fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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