I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
