I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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