you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
