i may or may not be watching the land before time
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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