I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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