My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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