i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She even gives head with a lisp.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
