Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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