I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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