My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
