quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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