Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
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