i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
