Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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