I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
