gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
