Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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