He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
