Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
