accomplished twins. life is a go
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
