you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
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Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
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Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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