Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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