I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
