the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Send help, water and tortillas.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
