the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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