Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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