after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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