i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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