But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
