I am in a vortex of obligation.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
