how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
