Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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