oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I believe in your delicious
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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