youre lurking in front of me
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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