Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
