apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You're earring is so big in my mouth
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
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Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
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Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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