dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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