I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
