You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He? As in you personified your dick?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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