Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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