I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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