You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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