Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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