No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
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i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
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There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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