just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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