I just threw up on my dentist
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
farters have to be the big spoon...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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