fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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