I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize