I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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