she looked like the before picture.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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