Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
