So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
that is very illegal...i love you.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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