I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
you mean i was at the winter classic?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
