Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
