hell yes lets make some ravioli
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
