How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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