College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
