I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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