I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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