Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
