I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
